Since becoming engaged, I have been navigating a rather curious and frustrating dichotomization between 1) preparing for marriage, and 2) planning a wedding. “Marriage prep,” as it is colloquially known, is about having serious conversations with each other and older, wiser married people about everything that everyone seems to have assumed we have never thought about before or discussed together (money, children, family, sex, illness). I think marriage prep is an immensely good and helpful endeavor. However, it is often presented as a kind of fail-safe against young and naive couples getting themselves into something they do not understand. Or, perhaps more generously, marriage prep makes room in the hectic months before the wedding for the important conversations that set up a marriage for success. Even if the expectations we hold about marriage prep might need recalibrating, my fiancé and I have been blessed by the people who have helped us through our marriage prep.

Planning a wedding is another matter.…