Why Forgive?
Forgiveness has become a buzzword, but people still don't understand it. They don't realize its rewards—or the cost of refusing to forgive. Many think forgiving means excusing, forgetting, or ignoring their pain. They view it as weakness. Why Forgive? brings together survivors of crime, betrayal, bigotry, and abuse—and ordinary men and women plagued by everyday strife. Not all are ready to forgive. But all are determined not to let anger, bitterness, and despair control their lives. Together, their stories will challenge and encourage others wherever they are on the road to healing.
In Why Forgive? Arnold lets the untidy experiences of ordinary people speak for themselves—people who have earned the right to talk about overcoming hurt, and about the peace of mind they have found in doing so.
"Hurt" is an understatement, actually, for many of these stories deal with the harrowing effects of violent crime, betrayal, abuse, bigotry, and war. But Why Forgive? examines life's more mundane battle scars as well: the persistent hobgoblins of backbiting, gossip, strained family ties, marriages gone cold, and tensions in the workplace. As in life, not every story has a happy ending—a fact Arnold refuses to skirt. The book also addresses the difficulty of forgiving oneself, the futility of blaming God, and the turmoil of those who simply cannot forgive, even though they try.
In his autobiography, Bill Clinton writes that Why Forgive?, formerly titled Seventy Times Seven, helped him through the darkest days of his presidency, following the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
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Responses:
Dear Mr. Arnold,
For close to ten years now I have been teaching a college level course on Forgiveness and Reconciliation using your wonderful book, "Why Forgive?". I want to thank you for touching so many lives and by so doing helping to make our world a more forgiving and loving place...
Cathy Nerney SSJ
Your book, "Why Forgive?" is one of the most compelling books I've read. I especially enjoy how you include stories and first-person accounts. The book is relateable and understandable. Personally the chapter about forgiving a parent was best. I have been able to reconcile with my own now!
Thank-you! Sincerely,
Stephanie
Dear Mr. Arnold,
...The chapter that stuck a personal chord within me was the one on forgiving ourselves. I never really allowed the idea of self-forgiveness to penetrate into the core of me before. The idea of making peace within your soul is not just mind talk or talk therapy. It's bigger than that - it's a way of being ok with all the paradoxes, all the contradictions, all the vagaries of one's life story....Self-forgiveness is finally allowing yourself to exhale after holding your breath for what seems like an eternity.
Thank you for the book, sincerely, Kathy
I first off would like to say how extremely powerful and moving your book was for me. Through each of these stories I was able to get an understanding of just how important and difficult forgiveness might be. Each of these stories is an inspiration.
The story about how Ron Carlson forgave Karla Faye Tucker for the murder of his sister, for me was the most powerful. Ron doesn't start off forgiving her but really wanting her dead. The fact he got from such hate to such compassion is unbelievable. If only everyone had Ron's strength.
Thank you again for each one of these stories.
Elise
Dear Mr. Arnold,
I am writing to express my gratitude for the publication of your book, "Why Forgive?" I am a 20 year old Lebanese American. As far back as I can remember, I had never heard anything constructive so much as uttered about the Middle East conflict - let alone story about forgiveness! The story you included in the book about Bishara Awad was the first...Reading the stories has been truly uplifting and empowering....Thank you, once again!
Sincerely,
Mary Elizabeth
Dear Johann,
I once heard a quote that the hallmark of a successful marriage was two good forgivers. Your chapter, "Forgiveness and Marriage" really struck a chord in me as it resonated this quote that I haven't really reflected on after I heard it....I thought of how being a good forgiver is also important in the mother-daughter relationship. This relationship is almost as intimate as marriage so it requires being vulnerable, humble and forgiving...
Thank You,
Arlene
Dear Johann,
...The one line that I will carry forever that in the end we don't have to answer for what others do to us - only for what we do to them. Also your definition of forgiveness in the inset on page 44: " Real forgiveness means looking steadily at the sin...and nevertheless being wholly reconciled to the person who has done it."
Thanks from the heart! You have brought me closer to Jesus.
Faith
Dear Mr. Arnold,
...I was particularly stuck by your reflections contained in the section entitled "Bless Your Persecutors." You mentioned cultural recognition, in that our culture, particularly those in "the west" so strongly emphasize self-preservation & individualism that people often scoff at the notion of forgiveness. Rather than the perception that forgiving is a sign of weakness, you suggest that fogiving is empowering & contains the possibility for true closure. You illustrated this with the powerful witnesses found in the Arab-Israeli conflict who found freedom & peace after years of turmoil - I am so grateful & hope to share your insights with the high school students I teach at a local all-girls High School in the subject of social justice.
Many thanks to you. God Bless!
Peace,
Katie
Because of my personal history, I was personally touched by the chapter on Forgiving A Parent. Even the introductory quote from Nouwen, "It is freeing to become aware that we do not have to be victims of our past..."
The stories that followed developed that theme, and it was affirming to hear other people's journey.
Dear Mr. Arnold,
...I was really touched by Steven McDonald's story in the chapter, "Not a Step, But a Journey". I thought it was amazing that Mr. McDonald found it in his heart to forgive Shavon for shooting him that night in Central Park. His life has suffered greatly because of Shavon's mistake. Mr. McDonald could have retaliated and chosen to stay angry with Shavon, but instead, he decided to show Shavon the love Shavon did not receive in his life on the streets.
...You allowed me to see how people with the most traumatic circumstances are able to forgive people that do not deserve to be forgiven. You made me realize that I should learn how to forgive people on a regular basis more than I do now. For that and many more, thank you for sharing the beautiful stories I read and learned in your book.
Sincerely,
Brigiette
...When I read of the commitment, conviction and pure courage of the people whose stories you tell, and how it is they came to forgive their perpetrators, I am convinced forgiveness is possible in all situations. I suppose that must mean it's possible in the situations in my life as well. I guess I don't have an excuse do I?
What has been most poignant are the stories of those who forgave on the spot, those who did not take what I would have thought was required time to "think through" the situations and then decide to forgive, and then work through the issues, and then by the Grace of God offer forgiveness.....
Thank you for providing holy insights into the mysterious human question that you yourself asked and I believe inspired your book, "How can such a man ever be forgiven?"
Sincerely,
Linda
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