In Mark 8:34 Jesus says, “If anyone wants to be my follower, he must deny himself, shoulder his cross and follow me.” Christ’s words were addressed not only to the people of his time, but also to us today: each of us who desires to follow him must be willing to carry the burden laid on us by God. Because the cross each person carries is different, we sometimes tend to look at others and compare our lot with theirs. When envy makes us dissatisfied with ourselves, we look at others and think, for instance, “He (or she) is so athletic” — or articulate, or musical, or easy-going — and we begin to wonder whether the person we envy has any cross at all to bear.

Every man, woman, and child has his or her own burden to carry. Even the Apostle Paul had a “thorn in his flesh.” He asked God to remove it, but God answered him, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor. 12:8). If we accept the grace God gives us, we will be able to bear the heaviest cross. And, strange as it may seem, it can even become a blessing.

The discovery that a newborn child is disabled can be a deeply shaking ex­perience for any couple. Unfortunately it is common for some, in their shock, to assume that they have done something wrong. I would advise parents to give no room to such thoughts. Rather, turn to God and seek to see the situ­ation as from his eyes — as a blessing that can lead you closer to each other and to God. He comes close to us through every child, but especially through children with disabilities.

The Special Child

We cannot understand the mystery of life and death; we do not know why one baby is born mentally or physically disabled while the next is perfect and healthy. Yet we do know that everything that happens, good or evil, has a purpose. And we know that God can turn any affliction into a blessing if we humbly accept whatever he sends.

Today, with the wide availability of sophisticated prenatal tests, fetal abnormalities are often discovered early in pregnancy. More and more, doctors subsequently advise abortion, arguing that this is in the best interest of both child and parents and that, even if such disabled babies are carried to term, their survival may not be guaranteed. Pope John Paul II writes:

The point has been reached where the most basic care, even nourishment, is denied to babies born with serious handicaps or illnesses. The contemporary scene, moreover, is becoming even more alarming by reason of the proposals, advanced here and there, to justify even infanticide, following the same arguments used to justify the right to abortion…

We see…the spread of euthanasia — disguised and surreptitious, or practiced openly and even legally — justified by the utilitarian motive of avoiding costs which bring no return and which weigh heavily on society. Thus it is proposed to eliminate malformed babies…

A life which would require greater acceptance, love, and care is considered useless, or held to be an intolerable burden, and is therefore rejected.

Clearly, the specter of Nazi Germany and its state-sponsored program of euthanasia still casts its shadow over our era. Let us hope that today, in a society that places ever greater emphasis on achievement, assertiveness, independence, strength, and competitive success, we never forget the lessons that the disabled and the weak can teach us. Let us allow their weakness and vulnerability to challenge our self-confidence and inspire us to a deeper love and commitment. Christ comes to us in the form of a stranger, a beggar, an angel. Why should he not also come in the form of a handicapped child?

God has a specific purpose or task in mind for every person born on this earth. Everyone, even if he or she lives for only a few minutes, brings us a certain message from God. None of us can presume to know exactly what this message is. All the same, the message is there, if only we open our hearts to it. Jean Vanier points out that the weak “seem to break down the barriers of powerfulness, of wealth, of ability, and of pride; they pierce the armour the human heart builds to protect itself; they reveal Jesus Christ…. God hides himself in them.” He goes on to say that handicapped children especially have a mysterious power: with their tiny hands they can “slip through the bars of the prison of egoism.”

Tragically, many parents of disabled children have never had their hearts opened to these truths. All too often they are either impatient, even intolerant, or else overly protective. They have been hurt in their family pride; they regard their child as a disappointment. They feel dishonored and ashamed. Neighbors, relatives, and friends often aggravate the situation with insensitive remarks, as do the family doctors and therapists who suggest that the child be “put away” in an institution. The suffering of both parents and child is often appalling.

How different things would be if we saw special children first as gifts to be received with extra gratefulness and love, rather than as burdens! When Alan, the first child of a young couple, was born several months ago, it was soon clear that he was no ordinary child. Probably deaf and blind (it is too early to be completely certain) he also suffers from various abnormalities of the brain and may never walk or talk.

At a special service where we welcomed him into our church community, Jonathan, Alan’s father, expressed his feeling that it was even a blessing to have received such a child—a little being through whom he and his wife might learn more about love and compassion, also for others who suffer. He spoke of the joy of watching Alan’s personality develop in spite of his severe handicaps. Various others shared thoughts, too, about the possible meaning of God’s sending parents a severely disabled son or daughter: perhaps the little life will reveal some aspect of the gospel, some redemptive mystery not otherwise revealed through a normal child.

Sometimes the prospect of a disabled child is more than a couple is able to face without at least some struggle. In my experience, even the strongest parents will need to be supported as much as possible, and they should not be made to feel guilty when they accept (or seek) help. Those of us who do not have to cope with the added burden of a child with special needs should offer our support where we can in practical ways, for instance by taking the child into our home for a night or a weekend to let his or her parents relax and find new strength.

In our community we have had children with Down syndrome, Prader Willi syndrome, and other serious handicaps over the years. All of them — Heidi, Lisa, Duane, Joanna, and Iris, to name a few of the ones with us at present — are a gift and blessing to their families, their peers, and the larger community; and all of them a living witness to the power of childlikeness and joy.

Miriam, who passed away in 1992 at the age of 28, was born with multiple crippling physical handicaps that repeated surgery was unable to alleviate. Nonetheless, her brightness and joie d’vivre touched countless lives. Frail and severely crippled, her determination to do what she could for herself and for others lasted to her final breath.

Sonja, who is fully incapacitated and needs 24-hour care, was born in per­fect health but left helpless by meningitis at the age of five months. Despite frequent suggestions by social workers to have Sonja institutionalized when she was a child, her parents and siblings wouldn’t hear of it. Now, at 38, she is still part of her family and community and continues to call forth and respond to the loving care of those around her. As her mother says, “We think there is something special in Sonja. She has never consciously sinned, and must be very close to God. We always feel challenged to love her more.”

Sasha, a young Russian man who was born without arms, was given into our care when he was sixteen in the hope that he could be fitted with pros­theses. He had taught himself to be largely independent by using his feet to do what most people do with their hands, but the unnatural positions he was forced to repeat daily had severely curved his spine, and he lived in continuous pain. Despite tremendous odds — Sasha hardly knew a word of English when he arrived in the United States — his pluck and enthusiasm have stood him in good stead. Now, after months of research, surgery, and therapy, he is in the process of obtaining his prostheses.

Given the special needs of children with mental and physical disabilities, it is easy to see why parents are tempted to treat them differently from other children: to set no boundaries, to give into every whim, to spoil them. Yet to pamper such children is the greatest disservice one can do them, for it limits their entire future — their physical and mental development, and their emo­tional independence.

All children need the warmth of physical affection, and disabled children need it perhaps even more than others. But they should not be babied with constant hugs, kisses, and treats. Rather, they should be lovingly guided and encouraged to use their abilities to the fullest. This is not to say that they should be pushed to perform or to take on responsibilities beyond their ca­pabilities. All the same, it is amazing what a loving environment and proper care and handling can do. In our work with the disabled, especially through Rifton, our line of physical therapy equipment, we have experienced time and again how a combination of therapy and education can help the most incapacitated child toward mobility, independence, and most im­portant, toward self-respect and a feeling of worth….

…Special children — whether mentally or physically disabled, deformed, autistic, or different in any other way — should never be rejected, either when conceived, when born, or when they reach adulthood. …Their lives are a clear testimony to the fact that each person, no matter how weak and vulnerable, is a gift from God, not least by reminding us of our own weakness and dependence on him.

 

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This article is taken from The Special Child, Chapter 16 of the book "A Little Child Shall Lead Them."
Available as an ebook from Plough.

 

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