Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Hebrews 13:4

Everything God created has a divine purpose. This includes sex – the creative task, given first to Adam and Eve, to be fruitful and multiply. Often we humans experience it as one of two extremes: on the one hand, a fear of the closeness that a physical relationship requires, and on the other, unbridled lust. This is not what God intended.

It is a remarkable experience to give oneself physically to another person. But the sexual sphere is not incorruptible. Even within a marriage, its potential blessings can become dangers if it is separated from God. Instead of passion there is lust, instead of tenderness there is brutality, and instead of mutual self-giving there is uncontrollable desire. Sex becomes a cheap, destructive experience. Only repentance can bring about healing and restoration.

Reverence and Prayer

We can never have too much reverence for the marriage act. Even if we reject prudishness, a feeling of reticence should make us wary of speaking about it to others. Of course, a man and woman united in marriage must be able to talk openly with each other, even about the most intimate things. But they will never do this without reverence.

If our marriage is grounded in Jesus, we will find the right relationship to each other. Here we must heed Paul’s warning, “If you are angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give a foothold to the devil” (Eph. 4:26–27). Prayer is crucial in reconciling the differences that arise in the marriage relationship. It is important that a couple does not go to bed at night without turning first to Jesus. It is not necessary to use many words; Jesus knows what we need. We must not only thank him but also seek his guidance.

Abstinence can be Healing

One unfounded idea is that abstinence must be negative or frustrating. If born out of love, it can actually create a deeper relationship, and can even have a healing effect. It is good to abstain for at least six weeks before the birth of a child. May couples be given the strength to abstain as long as they are able after a birth, so that the mother can recover both physically and emotionally. If a husband is considerate of his wife, he will be willing to discipline himself by abstaining as long as possible (1 Thess. 4:3–5). The main thing is that there is always unity of spirit and soul before physical uniting, and that when abstinence is necessary, it does not become an occasion for love to grow cold. Paul writes:

Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control (1 Cor. 7:5).

Abstinence should be approached with fasting and prayer—as a self-discipline. When willingly accepted in this way, it can unite a couple more deeply than ever.

Surrender to Christ and to Each Other

To unite physically when there is no unity of spirit is hypocrisy. Physical uniting should always express the uniting of spirit and soul; it should never be only for bodily satisfaction alone. Every physical act of love should be a mutual giving of self, a sign of resolve to live for the other. It can have nothing to do with ideas of power or conquest.

Everything in a marriage depends on the commitment of both partners to Jesus and on their willingness to follow his leading. Couples should remember that it was God who joined them together, and so he will keep them together, especially through difficult times. Jesus says, “Whoever loses his life will gain it” (Luke 9:24). The same is true in Christian marriage. When both partners are willing to surrender themselves again and again to each other and to Christ, they will find the true fulfillment of unity and freedom.

 

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