Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the Word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blame­less. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:21–29

In God’s order, marriage and family originate in the church. Only within this context can marriage be fulfilled and given its true value. Apart from the church, marriage is doomed to be overcome by the destructive forces of society.

Few people today understand this. But marriage is not only a bond between husband and wife; it is a bond between God and his people. And how little this bond amounts to when it is limited to a promise or contract between two people! How different marriages could be, if we were willing to place loyalty to Christ and his church above our marriages.

For those who have faith, it is Christ who makes possible the unity of the lover and the beloved. It is his Spirit that gives them unhindered access to one another. Therefore, when sin enters a marriage and Jesus is driven out, this bond is weakened or destroyed. When this happens, the only way back to love and unity is for the individual partners to turn away from each other for a time, and seek their way back to God first.

Those whose love is merely emotional will protest this truth. But healing will not be found until both partners recognize that it is only the unity of faith – and not the physical or emotional ties within a marriage – that can survive the storms and tempests that attack every couple. We must ask ourselves: “If my first allegiance is not to Jesus, whom is it to?” (Luke 9:57–60)

When a married couple places themselves under Jesus in this way, their marriage is secured on a deeper level, because it is placed within the unity of all believers. This idea is foreign to most people, yet it contains a truth I have witnessed many times.

Dependence or Independence?

Many think the more independent each partner is, the firmer the marriage. Some think that the more a couple can be relieved of the “constraints” of obligation to each other, the happier they will be. This is completely false. A marriage will last only when it founded within God’s order and on the basis of his love. A marriage is built on sand unless it is built on the rock of faith.

The belief that love to Christ and his church must take priority over all else is also important for understanding the difference between man and woman. Clearly God has given each of them different natures and tasks, and when these are rightly fulfilled, harmony and love will abound. My father, J. Heinrich Arnold, writes:

Obviously, there are differences in the biological makeup of the male and the female. But it is completely materialistic to think that the difference between man and woman is merely biological. A woman longs to absorb her beloved one into herself. She is designed by nature to receive and to endure; to conceive, to bear, to nurse, and to protect. A man, on the other hand, desires to enter his beloved one and become one with her; he is made to initiate and penetrate rather than to receive.

The Body is Shaped by the Soul

It has been said that the body is shaped by the soul, and this is a deep thought. The soul, the breath of God, the innermost essence of each human being, forms a different body for each. It is never a question of who is higher. Both man and woman were made in the image of God, and what can be greater than that? Yet there is a difference: Paul likens man to Christ and woman to the church (Eph. 5:22–24). Man, as head, portrays the service of Christ. Woman, as body, portrays the dedication of the church. There is a difference in calling, but there is no difference in worth.

Mary is a symbol of the church. In her we recognize the true nature of womanhood and motherhood. Woman is like the church because she receives and carries the Word within her (Luke 1:38) and brings life into the world in keeping with God’s will. This is the highest purpose of a human being.

A woman’s love is different from a man’s. It is more steady, more in keeping with her loyal nature. It is dedicated to protecting and guiding all those in its care. Man’s love, on the other hand, seeks out others and challenges them. It is the pioneering love of the apostle, of Christ’s representative: “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit” (Matt. 28:18–20). The man and woman's tasks are bound together.

Who will Rule?

Both Paul and Peter point out that man is the head of woman, not in himself but in Christ (1 Cor. 11:3). This does not mean that the man is “higher”; the fact that woman is taken from man and man is born of woman shows that they are dependent on each other in every respect (1 Cor. 11:11–12). Again, the gifts and responsibilities of one are worth no more than those of the other; they are simply different. In the true order of marriage, husband and wife will find their right place, but neither will rule the other. Love and humility will rule.

Today men and women avoid the responsibilities given them by God. Women rebel against the inconvenience of pregnancy and the pain of birth, and men rebel against the burden of commitment to the children they father and to the woman who bears them. Such rebellion is a curse. It will lead future generations astray. Woman was designed by God to have children, and a true man will respect and love his wife all the more because of this. Peter admonishes us:

You husbands must conduct your married life with understanding: pay honor to the woman’s body, not only because it is weaker, but also because you share together in the grace of God which gives you life. Then your prayers will not be hindered (1 Pet. 3:7).

True Men and Women

It is clear that the difference between man and woman is not absolute. In a true woman there is courageous manliness, and in a true man there is the submission and humility of Mary. Yet because the man is the head, in a true marriage he will give the lead, even if he is a very weak person. This must not be taken as if man were an overlord and woman his servant. If a man does not lead in love and humility or in the spirit of Jesus, it will become tyranny. The head has its place in the body, but it does not dominate.

When I marry a couple, I always ask the bridegroom if he is willing to lead his wife “in everything that is good,” which means to lead her more deeply to Jesus. In the same way, the bride is asked if she is willing to follow her husband. Again it is a matter of both of them following Jesus together.

In his letter to the Ephesians, Paul points to the self-sacrificing love that lies in true leadership: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25).

Where Two are Gathered

When we take Paul’s words to heart, we will experience the true inner unity of a relationship ruled by love. Only then will God’s blessing rest on our marriages. We will seek our beloved one anew and continually look for ways to serve each other in love. Then we will find joy. As Tertullian writes:

Who can describe the happiness of a marriage contracted in the presence of the church and sealed with its blessing? What a sweet yoke it is which here joins two believing people in one hope, one way of life, one vow of loyalty, and one service to God! They are brother and sister, both busy in the same service, with no separation of soul and body, but as two in one flesh. And where there is one flesh, there is one spirit also. Together they pray, together they kneel down: the one teaches the other, and bears with the other. They are joined together in the church of God, joined at the Lord’s table, joined in anxiety, persecution, and recovery. They vie with each other in the service of their Lord. Christ sees and hears, and joyfully does he send them his peace, for where two are gathered together in his name, there is he in the midst of them.

 

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