Train yourself to be godly. For physical training is of some value, but godliness has value for all things, holding promise for both the present life and the life to come…Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example in speech, in life, in love, in faith, and in purity. 1 Timothy 4:8, 12

We live in an age of superficial eroticism. This is seen most strongly in advertising, which has reduced both men and women to objects of lust, and in the way so many young people stumble as they try to find a life partner. How, then, should young people today handle the attractions that develop between them? What is the godly approach? And how can they best prepare themselves for the responsibilities of marriage?

Conventional Dating

More than ever before, young people need opportunities for positive mutual exchange. They must find – and be given – opportunities for hiking, singing, dancing, and working together, under the guidance of adults who point them to God and to the possibility of a pure life.

Teenagers will always “fall in love”, and they will at first move from one person to another, like a bee going from flower to flower. But the casual attitude of those who flit from one boyfriend or girlfriend to the next is still never right. It dulls the conscience and cheapens the meaning of commitment. Emotional attraction in itself is not sin, but it leads to sin if it is not placed under God.

Flirting and Vanity

The dating games of society are built on a completely false understanding of friendship and often have little to do with genuine love or faithfulness. More often, dating is about showing off one’s physical beauty, as a means to eventual intimacy. Seen in this way, the flirting and vanity that conventional dating involves can never be considered "Christian." Jesus speaks sharply about those who cause others to stumble, and warns that a lustful glance is no less serious than adultery.

All of us judge people on the basis of their outward appearance, but we forget that looks fade, and that the beauty of the flesh is fleeting. Instead, young people should think about what sort of partner they will want to have when they are raising children, or when times are hard. Who will be there for them when their marriage is struck by illness or economic calamity? And who will be there to hold their hand, once they have reached old age?

Young people seeking to establish a relationship of any kind must therefore not be afraid to ask the advice of their parents and pastors – or anyone they trust. This may seem old-fashioned, but it is not. Isn’t the most important life-decision we make the one in which we need the most help and direction?

Before Engagement

Even when young people are sure that they want to become engaged, they should test their love to see that it is not merely the straw fire of romantic attraction. They should consider whether or not their relationship has been led and blessed by God, or whether it is based on a purely human attraction.

For this reason, couples need time to get to know each other before making any lasting commitment. Two people seeking marriage must strive to discover all there is of God in one another. There are plenty of wholesome activities they can do together that will afford them this chance: reading, hiking, visiting each other’s families, or even participating in a community service project together. And this can go on for months, and must not be rushed. Like a flower, a relationship must be allowed to open in God’s time. If a marriage is to last, it must be built on a carefully-laid foundation.

Honesty is also fundamental. If two people do not feel that they are growing closer to each other and to God, they must be open about it. Even if no promise has been made, ending a relationship is painful. But better a painful end than the endless pain of a relationship that leads nowhere.

The Engagement Time

Once engaged, couples will want to express their love to each other in every way they can. Especially then, they should realize that the powers of desire are greater than themselves, and so they must ask God daily for the strength to remain pure. Long embraces, caressing, mouth-to-mouth kissing, and anything else that might lead to arousal should be avoided. The desire for physical closeness is natural, but instead of revolving around this, an engaged couple should focus on getting to know each other on an inner level and nurturing each other’s love to Jesus.

Sexual excitement is progressive in its nature: once you begin, you are never satisfied in going back. Thus when two people intentionally arouse each other, they are engaging in a form of foreplay. Whether they acknowledge it or not, they are preparing themselves emotionally and physically for intercourse. Then they are left with only two choices: to go all the way, or to stop short and experience the frustration of being aroused but not satisfied. The desires kindled within them cannot be appeased without sinning. “Going halfway” is therefore harmful, because it interferes with building a lasting intimacy.

A marriage that starts with a conscience burdened by sin is a marriage without a stable foundation. The health of a marriage depends on the ground in which it grows. If it is sown in the soil of purity and faith, it will bear good fruit and have God’s blessing.

 

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Responses

I would like to thanks the author Johann Christoph Arnold, he's wonderful, I found the website when i was looking for his book (Seeking Peace). This article touches me deeply because i'm looking for suitable partner, now i gained this wisdom " an engaged couple should focus on getting to know each other on an inner level and nurturing each other's love to Jesus."
I appreciate your effort, may Lord bless you & keep you for his serving,

Yasser
Cairo, Egypt